Well, that’s embarrassing…

So, I’m trying my damnedest to break out of this self-conscious armor I have manufactured for myself. I have never really had an issue with embarrassing myself for a laugh. Nope. I’ll be happy to do so. When I was a kid, I could easily do something stupid funny, if it would make others laugh. I can only thank the old gods and new that social media wasn’t around when I was younger. I would never be able to leave the house and show my face in public again.

But when it comes to this book and marketing, I’m really embarrassed to promote myself. Perhaps it’s my upbringing. I was always taught not to be a bother to others. Don’t really ask for help. (we do it ourselves, or we don’t do it at all) I was taught not to brag about our accomplishments, because nobody likes a braggart. So when ti comes to me sitting down and working the lines to market my book, I’m very uncomfortable.

No, I’m embarrassed.

Not because I’m ashamed of my work. Hell, no. I worked hard on that book. While there may be a typo or two (I tried to be perfect, I really did), it’s something I’m very proud of. I’m not usually proud of my work. But this…this is different.  This is a solid little story. It makes me smile. It makes me happy. I’ve read it twenty times, and I would read it again because it makes me happy. That was my goal.

But promoting it, yeah, that wasn’t my goal. So I decided to change that.

It’s slow going, but I’m getting there. But really, what I’m proud of, I’m introducing the book to people as I talk to them. Normally I would never do this type of thing because it would embarrass the ever loving spirit out of me, but I’m trying to be very polite and casual about it. I’m starting with people I’m friendly with, people I speak with frequently, in order to break myself of the thought that this is painful.

Oh, sure, it will be painful. Eventually. I have to start small, though. But I’m not getting embarrassed. Not saying I could walk up to random people and talk to them about my book just yet, but I’m getting there.

It actually has been bothering me as to why it is embarrassing to me to do this. At one point, I would not have had an issue. But now, I can’t say, hey look I worked really hard on this, do you mind taking a look? Maybe it goes back to rejection. Maybe it goes back to how I was brought up, but regardless of reason, the embarrassment to speak to another in a self-promoting way embarrasses the hell out of me. Just the thought of what is said when I walk away gives me such anxiety I cannot breathe. I know how I feel when people who are self-promoting (perhaps the bad ones only?) come up to me, and what I think/say after they walk away…they are going to say the same about me! Granted, I can do something silly for fun and laughs, and I have no issue with what people say behind me, but if it’s something important to me, something I have slaved over, then I’m petrified.

Okay, yeah, that sounds like fear of rejection.

Great.

Perfect.

It invades another area of my life.

Forcing myself to do this and break out of this mold of embarrassment is probably not the healthiest way of handling this phobia, but at this point, I really have no choice. I have to do this if I want to have a successful book. It’s more important to me that the book is successful than if I’m uncomfortable or rejected. It’s a numbers game, right?

So I’m doing it. And in most cases, I’m enjoying it. We’ll see how long it lasts. Wish me luck.

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